Windy 500 2017 wrap-up

August 5, 2017February 3, 2018 / Jason Kayzar / 1 Comment

Yeah, that just happened. The Windy 500 just became the most spectacular thing ever. And you weren’t there.

It was Sofa King awesome, that it may never eclipse itself. Like Leo Sayer singing with Barry Gibb AND Justin Timberlake. Or donut wrapped hot dogs. It was that good. We may as well all put on some Nikes, cover ourselves in purple sheets and drink some Kool-Aid now…

I usually get right to the point, but I honestly don’t even know where to start this year. This was by far, the best and the most challenging time I have ever spent on a bike. We have hundreds of pictures, and it’s hard not to include all of them…

For 7 years we’ve ridden. Iron Mountain, Michigan and 545 miles the first year. 45 extra miles because we were lost. A lot. 105 degrees. Rain. 4 riders. 162 miles on Day 1 at almost 20mph average speed. No sag. Epic. Me, McArdle, Lampe and Gary Johnson. A proper beat-down, the likes of which may never be duplicated. Upon arrival, just after dark, the hotel staff hands us a small box that we UPSed there. A new kit and disposable toothbrushes for everyone. Yay! McArdle and Lampe are the only 2 to have done this every year, and McArdle is the only one who’s matched me mile for mile for the past 3,574 miles. Last year our cumulative mileage surpassed “The Ultralineamentum” – the longest possible route across the US – my initial dream/goal in this stupid plan.

Year 2: 7 guys, we decided to go West. Winona. Hills, hills and more hills. 500-something miles and 17,000+ feet of climbing. Jeremy drove his own truck for sag. Holy crap, we could actually pack a bag this time. Jeremy (aka: TRJ , aka: The Real Jeremy – ask Balden) met up with us every 25 miles or so. He thought we were nuts.

Year 3: This was the Van Halen III year – great compared to sitting at a desk, but shitty compared to the original ride. 9 riders, southern route. “Southern” was Illinois to Indiana and back. Flat, urban, and full of debris. Ridiculous number of flats, a zero score for scenery and fairly forgettable. Still, we spent 4 days riding 500+ miles, so it wasn’t all bad. Jeremy on sag again, this time rolling right behind us the whole route. Still thinking we were nuts, but now “bike-curious”.

4: Escanaba, MI. Fantastic Mexican food, awesome route and full blown sag support. Jeremy jumps on a bike this year and becomes a legit rider. DuWayne (TRJ Sr.) takes the helm as all-time sag driver. 18mph average on a fairly flat route for 496 miles. Veterans bank their rollover miles from previous years while rookies do laps in every gas station to ensure the 500+ mark. Escanaba is a glorified shithole, but the route is a success. This thing is taking on a life of its own…

5: Back to da U.P. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. 21 riders now up to Escanaba. Beer, Mexican, etc. It has rained every year to this point, we expect it to continue doing so long after we are all dead.

6: Escanaba again. 3rd year in a row. Bike practically rides itself along the route by now. It’s an awesome route for a big group, but becoming a bit vanilla. Biblical rain (again). Hail. Sun. Fun. Laughs. 27 guys. bc and McArdle have become co-Directeur Sportifs, and apparently from April through July they only work part-time at their real jobs. The “Windy” has reached legendary status. The world is divided into two halves; those who’ve done the Windy, and those who haven’t.

Fall, 2016: Windy 500 2017 Planning session: Lampe’s firepit. Talking about Escanaba v4.0. Longing for the excitement of the early years. Lampe calls bullshit on a 4th year to MI. We all agree. You know what would be awesome? Some soul-crushing climbs and 55mph descents. Really riding. Not another charity ride. It was undeniable. It could not be undone.

Windy 500, 2017, year 7 – Winona, Minnesota and back. 22, 23, 24, 22? riders. Picked up another rider on Saturday on his way home from 7 days of RAGBRAI, lost one the same day to Volmonia, a new communicable disease that is apparently contracted from staying in shithole hotels. 18,500+ feet of climbing this year. But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.

I contacted Pabst before the ride, and they hooked us up with some sweet swag and enough PBR to keep Jeremy hydrated for 4 days…

8 O’something a.m. Go time. The mayor sends us off as usual. Reaches VO2 max on the first climb out of the subdivision and taps out. Maybe SPD Crocs for 2018?35 miles from my driveway to Alma’s again for the most spectacular breakfast on Earth. Riders may believe that this kind of stuff just happens, but bc and McArdle have toiled for weeks going over the finer points of logistics, including trial runs to Alma’s. Rookies are clueless.

From there we rolled, fatter and happier, to Reedsburg. 136 miles. 5,000 feet of climbing. World’s worst hotel, The Voyageur. Don’t Google it, you’ll get some kind of disease just from looking at it. I’m not kidding. Most riders have checked in post-ride with some form of malady. All part of the adventure. I guess.

You know it’s a classy hotel when you see wheelchairs and organs for sale in the lobby.So, who wants to ride to Winona, MN? Let’s roll.

123 miles, another 5,000 feet of climbing. Seemed a lot harder than yesterday. Dozens of world-famous Bloedow’s Donuts were waiting for us upon arrival, laughs and even a little rest that night. By the way, the most spectacular weather ever. Mid-80s, sun and (I swear this is true) a tailwind for 500 miles. It has rained at least one day of the ride for the past 6 years straight. Rookies Dino, Janisch, Walls and Lex think this is the best thing since sliced bread. They have no idea that every year prior we’ve had to assume the tornado position at some point during the ride. Pop Tarts.

Rolling into Winona, we were all just happy to be clear of the Mississippi, avoiding eye contact with Leach, fearing that he might kill again.

Sunday morning church service at 6:30am, courtesy of Dr. Long. This is a secret portion of the Windy that I really look forward to every year. Steve is an ordained Methodist minister and Professor of Theology. He offers it up to anyone who wants to participate. About 8 of us shared a private service, and it left me energized and focused on the task at hand. It also reminded me of how awesome this slice in time with this caliber of men was.

Breakfast and some foreshadowing – the hills await. 6 monster climbs. Inclines as high as 17%. We all rolled out. A bit nervous, a bit excited. Road was flat, but we could see what was coming.

No way to avoid it. The first “hill” punched us in the throat. And by throat I mean balls. It officially qualifies as a Category 3 climb. Al Krueger now has the 5th fastest ascent (all-time) on Strava with an average speed of 9.1mph. Soul crushingly steep and long. We also climbed 2 Category 4s that same day. While I was praying for a swift death, I was reminded that it would be considered a relatively flat day in the Tour de France. Really glad I took the last year off of cycling… not.

By the end of the day, I think everyone was smoked. We rolled into Spring Green well-done and STARVING. It was the hardest day EVER on my bike, I would have cheerfully eaten any of the various roadkill we passed in the last 50 miles. 7pm. 8pm. 9pm. FINALLY the pizza dude showed up. At that point – no one cared. We’d have eaten a dog turd or 10. Crap-ass pizza x 15. Thanks? I know that I ate (probably) an entire pizza in about 5 minutes. I hear that there were wings too, but they were set in front of Janisch and no one ever saw them again…

I’m excited and exhausted simultaneously. bc takes the lead on getting the fire going, and we’re in the happiest place on Earth. Again.

For the record, Ronnie James Dio once stayed at this hotel. He wants you to pull his finger.

Day 4: Rested, humbled, ready. Just 112 easy miles, only 3,000 feet uphill to go. No real climbs, just all rollers. I could go on and on, but honestly – you had to be there.

M.I.A. – Dave Volmmmmonia

Did we have fun? We’ll never tell, but I’m guessing by the smiles that you already know the answer…

I think Jeremy McKinney’s second cousin Cat Stevens sang it best:

And the cat’s in the river in the afternoon

Jumped off the bridge just past that pontoon

When’s it coming back, Leach?

I don’t know when

But we’ll be in Reedsburg then, yeah

You know we’ll catch pneumonia then

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

2018 – 8th annual – Back to Winona!

The Windy 500 hits the big time

February 20, 2015 / Jason Kayzar / 1 Comment

We’re proud to introduce our first 2015 in-kind sponsor: Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Follow PBR on Twitter and Instagram @pabst_milwaukee

I was pretty stoked when this Windy 500 care package arrived today! PBR Racing jerseys, caps and some highly coveted head badges. For years we have enjoyed this sweet, sweet nectar pre-, during and post-ride. Now we’ll be flying the colors in style.

Maybe it’s time to finally dump the Welfare/Goodwill bargain bin looks of the past and get all GQ this year…

“I say, old boy, which way to the Speakeasy?”

OK, at least we all match in this one…

The Original Rainbow Warrior?

Hey Greg, does this fat make me look fat?

What??

Looks like we’ll have the biggest crew ever this time – stay tuned for more.

Live the Dream – Follow @pabst_milwaukee!

2015 Windy 500 dates announced!

November 24, 2014November 24, 2014 / Jason Kayzar / Leave a comment

I flew to Switzerland last night to attend the official press announcement for the

2015 Windy 500.

The event was a phenomenal, star-studded extravaganza. I sat between Ben Stiller and Mark Cavendish. Can’t believe that our little ride has grown into a Worldwide affair.

Anyway, the 2015 Windy 500 (V) will once again travel North to Escanaba, MI.

Looks like we may have found the perfect route in 2014, so we’re sticking with it.

The ride will take place July 31 – August 3, 2015.

Mark your calendars!

Interested in riding?

jasonkayzar@gmail.com

Getting there…

August 11, 2014August 11, 2014 / Jason Kayzar / 1 Comment

This is always my favorite time of the cycling season. Road racing is done and riding can be done for the sake of just riding.

I just wrapped up my annual 500 mile bike trip (the “Windy 500“). It was by far the best yet. I thought a lot, about a lot of things and sometimes nothing at all. This is my attempt to get those things and that nothing out of my head.

*****

Prior to starting the Windy 500 ride, I had only ever taken one overnight trip with friends as an adult. September 13, 1992. Madison, Wisconsin. That ramble was truly unforgettable, but for whatever reason I never made time to take a trip with friends again for almost 20 years.

Back in ’92 I was working as the Manager at Vic Tanny and a couple of my co-workers and I hatched a plan to go skydiving. None of us had ever done it, and I had a mild fear of heights so I figured this would be a surefire cure. Long story short, we arranged a trip to Seven Hills Skydiving in Madison. The day was to be capped off with a U2 and Public Enemy concert at Camp Randall Stadium.

The vast majority of people who “go skydiving” do a tandem jump. They are strapped to someone like a reverse backpack and the experienced jumper takes them along for the ride. Thrilling for some I’m sure, but we were after our own individual experience. We opted for an “IAD” jump – Instructor Aided Deployment. In order to perform an IAD, you are required to attend an all-day classroom and outdoor simulation training “boot camp”. This teaches you to actually skydive and allows you to do everything on your own, except pull the chute open.

The class began promptly at 8:00am and there were about 20 of us. We read, watched videos and took a short break here or there. In the afternoon, we began training outside. We learned how to do a ‘PLF’ in a big bed of pea gravel. PLFs or Parachute Landing Falls are designed to keep your toes from poking out of the top of your skull when you hit the ground, should your chute and reserve chute both fail to open properly. You turn your knees one way and your head and shoulders the opposite to create a spring-like effect with your body. I could show you one right now – haven’t even thought about it since my last jump about 17 years ago. There were plenty of other things to learn and remember that day, but the primary drill that we repeated about 8,956 times was this:

“Eyes on Red, Hands on Red

Pull Red, Pull Reserve”

It’s a lifesaving exercise that cuts your main chute away (should the primary chute malfunction) and deploys your back-up chute. I can show it to you right now. Ask me to do it while I’m sleeping tonight. I’ll show you.

When it was my turn to jump I stepped out the door on that little plane, X-thousand feet up in the sky, onto a tiny ledge only wide enough for one foot. I inched my hands up the wing strut and crossed my left foot behind the other, stepped off the ledge and I was flying next to the plane – Superman-style. I turned my head to the left and yelled “Check in!”. My jump-master yelled “Skydive!”. I let go of the plane, and as I did he tossed my pilot chute (the “rip cord”) out behind me. My stomach vaulted into my throat as I fell away from the plane. My chute opened, filled with air and I was suspended in the silent September afternoon. The only noises were the hum of the airplane getting farther away and an occasional command coming over the one-way radio strapped to my shoulder. There I was – flying. Just like every kid dreams about. A quick mental check-list confirmed that I was still alive and my mind was free to check-out completely.

The reason that I was able to jump successfully is that the actions I needed to take had been pounded in to my subconscious. I wasn’t thinking about what I had to do any more than I was thinking about breathing. The steps were automatic. My conscious mind had absolutely zero responsibility, so for the first time that I could remember I was able to dream while wide-awake. Which leads me back to the ride I just finished…

Part of the fun of doing a 500 mile ride in 4 days is answering people’s questions along the way. Most non-cyclists look at us like aliens when we’re in Escanaba, Michigan and they ask where we came from.

“Milwaukee. Yesterday.”

The vast majority of people just have no frame of reference to riding 125 miles on a bike, especially for 4 days in a row. But here’s the secret sauce they don’t know about: anyone can do it. After a few hundred miles your subconscious kicks in. Right pedal, left pedal, right pedal, left… Like some kind of hypnotic Dr. Seuss book. Suddenly you’re moving along at 20+ miles an hour, mesmerized by the guy’s socks or wheel in front of you. You trim power, you add power. Slight adjustments. You’re tucked in, your front wheel rolls along six inches from his rear wheel. Five inches apart, seven inches apart. Your brain’s on cruise control. Sun is shining – the trees all start to look the same. THAT’S when I experience absolute freedom.

Just like words and pictures can never replace experiencing the mountains or the ocean for the first time, I won’t pretend to be able to describe the feeling of absolute freedom. There’s a freedom and purity that comes with absolute focus – where you bury yourself in the effort. I’ve been there many times. But that is a conscious decision to focus on nothing but one thing. Not your subconscious giving you a wink and a nod – “…go ahead, take the day off. Nobody’s watching…”

Back in 1980 a movie called Altered States came out. It was essentially about what happens when you truly eliminate all outside noise/stimuli and just let your mind go. If I’m lucky enough, THAT’S what happens to me every year on the Windy 500 trip. Sometimes it doesn’t at all. When it does it’s probably only for 10 or 15 minutes at the most. But that experience cannot be bought or sold, for any amount of money.

This year’s ride was the perfect storm; a great route, pancake flat sections with no traffic for miles and a great group of guys taking monster pulls. About 200 miles in I lost all sense of space and time. I thought of absolutely nothing for about 15 minutes. No idea where I was, what I was doing, the time or date… nothing. I was dreaming wide awake, rolling along the country-side 2nd wheel at about 21 or 22 mph. That is not to say I wasn’t paying attention and I was probably going to cause a crash or veer off the road into a tree. My subconscious had everything under control. If anything out of the norm were to happen, I would have instantly reacted. But for that brief moment in time I was absolutely free. Flying like I had just jumped out of a plane.

2014 Windy 500 is in the books

August 6, 2014August 19, 2014 / Jason Kayzar / Leave a comment

Technology 1. Duwayne 0.

What turned out to the be the best Windy 500 ever fell short in only one category: mileage. This year’s route left us 4 miles short: 496 miles with an 18mph average speed. In all the years past we were always over, so at this point I’m using my rollover miles to call it an even 500. This ride really has taken on a life of its own. Year One was 4 guys and no support – chasing daylight 160 miles on Day 1. This year was 11 guys with a full size Suburban stocked with tools and cold PBR following 100 yards behind us all day.

“Beer-canical!”

From the start, this year was spot on. Blake lead us out of my driveway and proceeded to sprint into a mailbox 2 blocks down the road. That’s why we don’t include 7 year-olds in flip-flops…

Everyone stretched their legs a bit in the first section through Holy Hill before we settled into a comfortable pace for the rest of the ride. A quick stop in Allenton to fuel up and we were off. Lunch was a walk down memory lane from Year One in Oshkosh.

A toast to Gary Johnson

Typically, we end up with a lot of flats, which means we end up stopping a lot for PBRs. This year we had only 4 flats (plus one slow leak), all of which were caused by road hazards. It’s tough to go 500 miles in Wisconsin during August without hitting at least some road construction. We found our share of gravel roads and potholes, but there were times when we actually needed faux-flats in order to make sure we stayed hydrated.

Purple Bunny Rabbit

The first day ended in Green Bay, and in the morning we took off for Escanaba. Everyone was feeling great, and the roads were spectacular and pancake flat. This trip is really all about the journey, and this year was by far the best ever. We tapped out about 120 miles on Day 2 at with a 19.1 average speed surrounded by lush country scenery.

In the zone…

The Windy 500 has become a testing ground for Mexican food, and this year we found the best South of the Border food North of the Border. Just over the Michigan state line we stopped for lunch at La Cabana. If you ever find yourself in Menominee, MI with an empty stomach, I highly recommend the special of the day.

From there it was an easy roll to Escanaba, where we enjoyed fine imported beer.

The following morning we turned our bikes around and headed South. Jeremy was plagued with the first couple of flats, but then McArdle and I each fell victim as well.

The Real Jeremy gets a Real Flat

Back to La Cabana for another spectacular lunch and back to Green Bay for another spectacular moonlit night.

Of course, it wasn’t all fun. We did make sure to journal our food and use food scales to properly measure what we were taking in. The body is a temple after all.

Hydration is key

Always keep your sag driver happy…

Beggars can’t be choosers

We hit a little rain on Friday and a little more on Monday (tradition), but never enough to dampen spirits. Thankfully, we always seemed to find a PBR dispensary at just the right time.

We rolled into Brookfield around dinner time on Monday, always good to get home. Everyone was a little tired, but in one piece.

This route was so awesome, we’re considering doing it again next year.

Smack talk, flatulence, bondage, midgets, unicorns…

Windy 500 v4.0: It’s the Final Countdown

July 14, 2014July 15, 2014 / Jason Kayzar / 1 Comment

We are nowhere near as cool or sexy as these long-maned Swedish man-whores, but we’re not opposed to letting a Glam Metal staple like Europe explain the Windy 500 v4.0:

“We’re leaving together,
But still it’s farewell
And maybe we’ll come back,
To earth, who can tell?”

I don’t even know if they speaks the English so good, so I doubt they knew what they were singing about. Or maybe they were actually trying to make the second worst song ever…

Side Note: In my former life as a local roadie, I actually set up for Europe (or was it Holland?) at Marty Zivko’s in Hartford.

Anyway, back to bike riding. The 4th Annual Ride of Stupidity is nearly here and we have a dozen or so slightly shorter haired dudes ready to Ride Angry.

This year’s ride will be one veteran short, and therefore for the first time ever, the coveted Grey Jersey (“Gris Jaune”) will be up for grabs. Our esteemed colleague, Jeremy Johnson, suffered a nasty fall and is on the Injured Reserve for this go-round: