Brothers and sisters, if you want to know how to do everything wrong – you’ve come to the right place!
I’ve done all the legwork for you, no need to break a sweat or crack open a book. All the answers are right here. I’ve been training this way for a long time, so I know it works!
Ride hard – all the time! Recovery is only for people who want to win races. Riding hard all the time is what you should be doing on every group ride. Go to the front and push the pace – don’t let up. I know that some of the guys you’re riding with are on 12-speed Firenze mountain bikes they got free with a sofa and love-seat combo, but who cares? When you get to the coffee shop afterwards you’ll be able to gloat about how you smoked everyone on that 9 mile ride through the park. And hey, did I see you drop that Mom with the Burley going uphill? That was EPIC dude! KOM points for sure!!
Water’s for fish. I know it’s hot out, and you spent the whole night eating Saltines, but what’s more kick-ass than finishing a ride with a full water bottle? Yeah Buddy! Hydration is for houseplants. Besides, drinking water makes you weigh more and we all know about the whole Watts to Body Weight thing, right? I’m pretty sure Contador never drinks any liquids – that’s why he can fly up mountains so fast.
“Diets” are for soccer Moms. I eat whatever I want, and it doesn’t affect me at all. Sure, I run a little low on energy sometimes, or feel a bit sluggish after that 7th piece of deep dish pizza, but cyclists need a lot of calories. I’m sure that by race season I’ll have lost some weight… If not, I’ll just blame my genes.
Get 5 hours of sleep a night! Yeah, I’ve heard that you should get 8, but what am I a newborn?? I have stuff to do! Bonus – watch TV before you go to sleep. Preferably something violent or disturbing. Like Golden Girls.
It’s all about the bike. You cannot go fast without all of the latest, greatest equipment. You’re still riding 2012 Dura Ace?? What a loser. Haven’t you heard that the 2013 version is .05 grams lighter?? I mean, if we lived on the moon, that would be like 6 pounds! If it’s not carbon, it’s crap. You should really cut down on the actual riding you do in order to spend more time in online chats about the latest gear. There’s no way you’re going to keep up or hope to go fast if all you do is ride.
Your bikes all fit just fine. Put the seat wherever it feels good, slap your cleats on and you’re ready to ROCK! Don’t worry, everyone gets knee and back pain, numb feet and hands – it’s just the price you pay for riding a bike.
Blueprints are for architects – not cyclists. I just get up and do whatever suits me that day. Training by feel – it worked in the 1800s, and it still works today. Although having a PowerTap does make you look cool, don’t ask me what it’s for.
Stay tuned for a follow-up article: “Hipster Etiquette – How to peg your jeans”
“When the clouds, take the sky Does the storm give you life?”
– Led Zeppelin
25th Annual Bone Ride. 5/18/2011. Schuler’s house. 7:30am. 50 degrees and raining. 155 miles to go. Awesome.
Not sure how many riders rolled, but it was substantially less than last year’s idyllic conditions. We were rained on for the first 20 miles or so, then the rain gave way to mist and wet roads. Roads stayed wet for most of the day, and the sun decided to come out for 10 minutes when we were almost back, then it disappeared again for good. I’m no Andy Hampsten, but rolling 155 miles in the grimy rain felt pretty cool – not unlike our own “Spring Classic”.
I rolled out with the group and immediately felt the effects of my “over-hydration”. With the low temps and no real sweat happening, all that water was just sitting in my bladder waiting to go somewhere. I spent half of the ride to Madison looking for places to stop and then bridging back up to the group.
A delicious burrito in Madison with the Team, a group picture and then back on the road. Since I was so hydrated on the way there, I neglected to drink much and found myself with empty water bottles halfway back. Not good. At 135 miles I started to feel like a raisin, so I ducked into Attitude in Pewaukee and slammed a Gatorade and rolled back to Schuler’s with a strong guy from Appleton.
I had enough foresight to put a 6 pack of Anchor Steam on ice in the morning, and I handed them out to anyone standing around when I got back. Success never tasted so good.
With all the craziness in the world today, Republicans, Democrats and even Charlie Sheen agrees, it’s time we start to focus on the IMPORTANT matters in life and make the tough decisions that our children can live with:
What is the proper sock height??
Racing season is just moments away, don’t put this ground-breaking decision off another day!
“Disappointment weighs heavy on the pride.” – Mike Howerton
No New Year’s resolutions for me. No mileage goals. No fad diets, no promises to do X, Y or Z this year. That’s all crappy, crap-crap.
Thought I’d put my “intentions” down in writing though, so I can remind myself daily:
Keep riding… a lot. More than 2010. A lot more. How much more? A lot. How will I measure it? I’ll be stronger.
Work harder. At work, at home, on the bike, in the gym, on my relationships with friends, my wife and kids and my family. I’ll know if I’m not.
Eat better and sleep better. Laziness is a great excuse to not take care of myself, but in the end there are no excuses. I know the difference between right and wrong. I know the difference between crap food and good food. I feel better when I take care of myself, cut out caffeine, etc. I’m the only one who can control this one.
Get rid of stress. I invite all the stress in my life. People who say they are victims of stress are right, but you ultimately control how much stress you take on. Stressed about finances? Make the tough decisions. Stressed about work? Make the tough decisions. I need to make the tough decisions and cut out the stress.
“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.” Epictetus
I’ve been riding a lot in the dark, snowy mornings lately, so I figured why not show up to the Networking Ride on my single-speed mountain bike? The roads looked a little sketchy, and I wasn’t sure who’d be showing up (if anyone) for the 20-something degree ride yesterday.
Thankfully, Bill humored me with a nice easy roll around Oconomowoc Lake, then we hit Seester’s for some XX Ambers and a great conversation about strategies for growing business with social media (did I mention that this is a Business Networking event?). Bill’s got some great ideas, I’d encourage anyone who’s not comfortable with social media to look him up.