Brothers and sisters, if you want to know how to do everything wrong – you’ve come to the right place!

I’ve done all the legwork for you, no need to break a sweat or crack open a book.  All the answers are right here.  I’ve been training this way for a long time, so I know it works!

1. Ride hard – all the time!  Recovery is only for people who want to win races.  Riding hard all the time is what you should be doing on every group ride.  Go to the front and push the pace – don’t let up.  I know that some of the guys you’re riding with are on 12-speed Firenze mountain bikes they got free with a sofa and love-seat combo, but who cares?  When you get to the coffee shop afterwards you’ll be able to gloat about how you smoked everyone on that 9 mile ride through the park.  And hey, did I see you drop that Mom with the Burley going uphill?  That was EPIC dude!  KOM points for sure!!
2. Water’s for fish.  I know it’s hot out, and you spent the whole night eating Saltines, but what’s more kick-ass than finishing a ride with a full water bottle?  Yeah Buddy!  Hydration is for houseplants.  Besides, drinking water makes you weigh more and we all know about the whole Watts to Body Weight thing, right?  I’m pretty sure Contador never drinks any liquids – that’s why he can fly up mountains so fast.
3. “Diets” are for soccer Moms.  I eat whatever I want, and it doesn’t affect me at all.  Sure, I run a little low on energy sometimes, or feel a bit sluggish after that 7th piece of deep dish pizza, but cyclists need a lot of calories.  I’m sure that by race season I’ll have lost some weight…  If not, I’ll just blame my genes.
4. Get 5 hours of sleep a night!  Yeah, I’ve heard that you should get 8, but what am I a newborn??  I have stuff to do!  Bonus – watch TV before you go to sleep.  Preferably something violent or disturbing.  Like Golden Girls.
5. It’s all about the bike.  You cannot go fast without all of the latest, greatest equipment.  You’re still riding 2012 Dura Ace?? What a loser.  Haven’t you heard that the 2013 version is .05 grams lighter??  I mean, if we lived on the moon, that would be like 6 pounds!  If it’s not carbon, it’s crap.  You should really cut down on the actual riding you do in order to spend more time in online chats about the latest gear.  There’s no way you’re going to keep up or hope to go fast if all you do is ride.
6. Your bikes all fit just fine.  Put the seat wherever it feels good, slap your cleats on and you’re ready to ROCK!  Don’t worry, everyone gets knee and back pain, numb feet and hands – it’s just the price you pay for riding a bike.
7. Blueprints are for architects – not cyclists.  I just get up and do whatever suits me that day.  Training by feel – it worked in the 1800s, and it still works today.  Although having a PowerTap does make you look cool, don’t ask me what it’s for.

Stay tuned for a follow-up article: “Hipster Etiquette – How to peg your jeans”